Here is an article I wrote just recently. For some reason, I had decided to write something imaginary, something away from the grasp of the occupied beings in this humankind, something dramatic, yet something that may be real, in one way or another, only unconsciously deliberated.
This may not just be necessarily applicable to me for this befits every individual who is haunted by their emotions that have been set aside for “sanity’s sake.”
It’s 1:34 in the morning and I still can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I don’t know. I can’t sleep because I know something is wrong in me. I cant sleep because I am paining. I am hurting from within. A kind of hurting that I didn’t even desire nor anticipate to ever come across my life. Never. An agony that I swear I wish I have not been feeling now nor ever. A kind of hurting that stabs my heart and crushes it into pieces. A crushing of my heart that drives me weak. Weak, I want to be weak this time.
I want to cry because such feeling is already familiar to me. Several times it had occurred to me. I know it had pained me very deeply. I remember I had cried hard at those times. I thought I could just easily cry now the same hard way I cried before because somehow, I think it relieves me. But sadly, my tears abandon me. Tears.
I am closing my eyes. And as I slowly close it, a picture of you appears clearer and clearer. I gesture a smile. But you never smiled back. I see you fading in the picture. I am crying now. Little by little tears continue to drop into my
cheeks, wet my eyes and…
I wish that heartaches be not so damn painful. I wish that I could just live in a life so simple yet so happy. I wish I can screen my heart from pain and sense only those happy stories and lots of them. I wish happiness. Genuine happiness. Lying in your arms, staring at the cloudless sky. Naïve.
I wish it’s that easy.
As the song goes, you are my sweetest downfall. I don’t have you. You are not mine. A downfall so sweet I never regretted you came into my life. I was happy. We were happy. I am happy. I think you’re no longer. And it’s paining me more not seeing you happy. But if you insist, I still want you to be happier. It’s
painful for me, yes, but I guess this is life. It’s a process. One day, I shall
be startled with another unsolicited guest, will probably be experiencing the
same as now. I shall love, and be hurt, and love again, and be hurt again. One
certain thing for myself now, this one day is not so soon. I want my heart to
rest. I want myself back. So carefree, so mild…
It is2:37 a.m. already and still can’t sleep. I close my eyes.